People, This is my first time, sharing anything so public, I guess I want to let it out and tell it more often as it’s been killing me from inside for a very very long time. I am not sure How will everyone after reading this will feel.
SO I was just a kid, say an eighth grader, cute habits and only smiling face with very few worries.
It was a cold cold night and there were so many guests in our home. The only person I followed , My father figure, my mentor and my friend was my grandpa. Since the beginning I have been hard on the trust issues. I don’t trust anyone and I didn’t trust anyone except him. If he would say, Its dark outside @ 12:00 noon, I would trust him blindly.
SO as oblivious as I am now, I was same before those days or I didnt wanna accept the fact that my Grand-paa had Cancer, 4th stage. He didn’t recognized anyone those days, just me. He told me, Never stop fighting. I might have lost his every word in my mind but I couldn’t escape these.
In middle of the night, I was sleeping. My phupo woke me and my brother along with my cousin. I said what’s wrong?
She said, Your grand-pa wishes to visit hometown. and We all are going for few days.
I was like so confused, anyways, I didn’t want to think negative because I believed in Miracles and My Grand-pa was so strong, Only Nuclear bomb would have stopped him but barely. I just got ready and we were on way. There was an ambulance as well. My Chachu said,
grand-pa is sick so that’s why we are taking him in ambulance and again I believed him because he was sick.
We were in separate car , I mean the all the kids.
Now we were close to hometown which was roughly 700 Km those days, the moment we entered in our society gate, there were like so much cars and people. I could barely spot our home there, I saw some familiar faces. I was sure that something bad has happened but I didn’t believe that and I was smiling,
The whole time I was smiling, My phupo came and hugged me while she cried that He is gone and he is never coming back. I still didn’t listen and I just walked away to kitchen for some water. The whole place was filled with tears like literally but I was the only one smiling, People thought that I might have lost it. I also remember someone slapped me on my face so hard but still I wasn’t feeling sad, as I absolutely believed that there is no one so powerful who can take him away from me. I was so sure Man.
Then just something got to me, when those Men, my cousins and elders were taking him away and my phopus were now screaming, That really hit me and I was like frozen and didn’t know what to do. I wanted to cry so loud that I wanted people to cover there ears, but I couldn’t. I tried but I couldn’t. I guess those tears my cousins saw were something else but I wasn’t feeling anything.
I was too broken to feel anything, That day and That time and That moment turned me to something else. This is what I am now. Those few days I spent after his passing were not so hard but the moment we left our hometown back to Lahore, I felt things I can’t explain but I never told anyone because I didn’t want to.
I have moved on in my own mind from so many things but that day is always with me. People miss him, God knows I do too. but why I don’t talk about him more often. I loved him like hell and I know what I feel. I am not even backspacing trust me. I am just saying what is coming to my mind.
Why he was taken?
I believed he was in better place and in heaven. I keep seeing him in my dreams and He just looks at me with disappointment, he says nothing and just vanishes.
This was his End I guess with me. He was disappointed with me that I couldn’t be a great kid I was supposed too? or This feeling this “disappointment” I feel everytime is my own?
This is what happened.